FAQs for Our Department of Homeland Defence

I have decided that the Department of Homeland Defense needs some guidance.  As a superhero, it's my job to help out with anything that has to do with Truth, Justice and Wasteful Government Spending.

So, Here we go...

Question #1:  What exactly is Condition Orange?
Answer #1: This is what we in the espionage business refer to as Security Elevator Music.  You know its there, and it feels comforting, but you know deep down that it has no value.

Question #2: I'm a TSA agent.  What is that big metal box over there?
Answer #2: That is an X-ray machine.  It gives you something to do between sandwiches.

Question #3: A guy just tried to get a banana through security. What should I do?
Answer #3: Re-screen the banana and then check for a triggering device, usually located in another piece of fruit.

Question #4: There is a baby with no identification.  Can I run him through the X-ray machine?
Answer #4:  Yes.  This device is never really turned on anyway.

Question #5:  I've been a TSA agent for a few months now.  I have to admit, much of what we do is so stupid I feel embarrassed.
Answer #5: You're fired.

Question #6: Two guys are in line, one has two 3-oz bottles of shampoo while the other has a single 6-oz bottle of shampoo.  What do I do?
Answer #6: Let the first guy through.  Shoot the second; he is clearly a terrorist.

Question #7:  How many donuts can I have per day?
Answer #7:  Two bites between pat-downs. So it really comes down to how big a bite you can take.

Question #8:  I work for immigration.  Who should I grant citizenship to?
Answer #8:  If he vacations in the Pakistani outback, grant the citizenship.  If she is Hungarian with several advanced degrees and is married to an American citizen, look out, she may  be a terrorist trying to take our valuable jobs in the strawberry fields of Bakersfield.

Question #9: Immigration again.  How can we stop people from crossing the border?
Answer #9:  You can't.  However, you can support the thriving American Fence Building Association by putting up structures that the Mexicans can lean their ladders against.

Question #10:  How many terrorist attacks have actually been prevented by the hundreds of billions spent on the Department of Homeland Security.
Answer #10:  No one knows for sure.  That's the beauty of it all.  However, we estimate that between Zero and Five Thousand terrorist attacks have been thwarted.  No, let's make that between Zero and a Billion attacks.

Question #11:  How many schools could have been built is we diverted the funds for Homeland Security to the Department of Education.
Answer #11:  All of them.

I hope they find this helpful.

Well, that was fun but I have a world to save and a plane to catch.

Up, up and away...

Jim

The Eighth Wonder of the World - Egyptians

As I write this, CNN is speculating that Egypt's dictator Mubarak, may step down.

This means a government has been overthrown by the people who used no guns.  They simply protested peacefully.  There was violence but most agree that was carried out by forces loyal to the checkbook opened up by the government.

I don't know how he hung on so long.  With 40% of the people living on $2 per day, this guy has amassed over 70 Billion dollars, including planes and homes all over the world.

There were times when Muslims and Christians stood united, hand-in-hand as they showed the world what people are capable of.

This has to be terrifying to places like China and North Korea.

Just in: Mubarak is stepping down!!!  (Oops.  I spoke too soon.  He's not stepping down.  He's stepping sideways.)

Meanwhile, in the world's greatest democracy, a Republican member of the House of Representatives has resigned after being caught sending pictures of himself to a girl on Craigslist.  Apparently, he told her he was not married.  Here is a picture of the single Republican Lee being sworn in while his "pretend" family looks on.  I point out that he is a Republican, not because only Republican do this (they/we all do stupid things).  No, I point it out because the hypocrisy is astounding.  This is the "pro-life" and "pro-family" and "pro-God" party.

I see little difference between  (1) Being Pro-Family and then having an affair and (2) Being Anti-Spending and then giving the richest amongst us a huge tax break.  The fact that they have any elected officials in office tells me that some of us aren't paying attention.

By the way, (R) Bachman from Minnesota has restated the GOP's top priority: To make Obama a 1-term president.

There is something about this that feels obscene.  They want him to fail; ignoring the fact that his failure means WE fail as well.  They don't want him to create jobs, or solve health care, or get the budget under control or any of the other things he is trying to accomplish.  Each time he fails, we are worse off and that is what the GOP wants.

To achieve their goal, they are doing whatever they can to make him fail.  This means they are actively working to make US fail.

In case no one noticed; it's still basketball season and hockey season and NFL lockout season.  In a few days, baseball starts up with the pictures and catchers reporting to practice.  In the American League, this means that the Yankees and Red Sox will open up their camps....and all of their farm teams will also open up their camps; you know, teams like Oakland.

I followed baseball for several years but have lost interest.  Two teams suck up all the talent and spend all the money while all of the other teams battle to stay out of last place.

Time to go to get my teeth cleaned.  This always makes me feel like I've been captured by the enemy.  "I'll tell you whatever you want to know, just quit picking at that molar!"

Unfortunately, my superpowers are ineffective against plaque build-up.

Speaking of superpowers...time to put mine to use...

Up, up and away...

jim