A quick Happy Birthday to Kimmy C. I am in Chicago right now, probably 3 miles from my best friend growing up. I haven't seen him in 24 years but I can still remember his birthday.
I am on my way home after a 30 day road trip. I feel tired but I am not sure if it's all the travel or just this new diet I am on. I didn't really plan on going on a diet but I figured it was the only way to recover from my inflight meal earlier this week.
Here is what happened.
I am in Frankfurt on my way to Ohio when it occurs to me that I can get myself a treat at the Duty Free store. A Duty Free store is where you can by watches and alcohol at huge markups but then not pay taxes. You spend 100% more and then save 10%. These are stores that basically cater to the Math Inhibited portion of the population.
They also have peanut M&M's for sale.
I spent 12 Euros, a little more than $15 on the biggest bag of Peanut M&M's I have ever seen. It said "Party Bag" on the bag. My intention was to live off of it as the plane transited the Atlantic Ocean.
I have to tell you, there is little in this world as satisfying as walking around with about 10 pounds of Peanut M&M's in you possession. It's like having a bottomless pit of happiness.
I finished my first 3,000 calorie serving while waiting in line at airport security. I could see the TSA agents eying my prize but unable to do anything about it. After all, it's not a liquid or gel so I'm legal. A tube of toothpaste is forbidden but a guy with bag of candy big enough to knock out a prison guard is just fine.
Anyway, I continued to nibble away during the flight. I eventually had to slow down and only eat in waves. My body was starting to suspect that I might be up to no good. The only way to get down another 1,000 calories or so was to do it in single fistfuls. Anything slower would allow my brain's frantic "danger Will Robinson" signals to get through.
I eventually fell into a sort of fugue state; neither awake or asleep. Every time I felt like I had a grasp on reality, I downed another batch of joy and slipped away. I began to simultaneously want to eat and throw away my bag of "little pretties."
It was clear that I had crossed over the line.
I landed in Boston and made my decision. I tossed the remaining M&M's into the first trash bin I came across. This was a mostly symbolic gesture as there were only a few left.
I started my diet immediately.
Now, I am not sure what kind of diet I am on. My basic rule of thumb is that if it tastes as good as say, apple pie, then I don't eat it.
It's been three days now and I am starving to death. I have been writing down everything I eat and on paper, I seem to be taking in enough to survive. I am surprised by how often I think about eating. Right now, I could really use a couple of donuts stuffed with fat and dipped in chocolate. That's not due to my diet. I often think about what something like that would taste like.
Anyway, my flight home is calling.
Up, up and away...
Jim
