Camping Adventure

I haven't been posting to my blog as often as I like.  It's as I have nothing to say, imagine that.  Anyway, I have decided to post a story I wrote for a contest.  The contest rules were that the entire story must be all dialogue and not exceed 500 words.  So here you go.

Camping Adventure

“Bobby, what did you just put in your backpack?”

“Nothing. It’s just a souvenir from our camping trip.”

“Bobby…”

“Dad, it’s just a little snake. I found him over by that tree. His name is Slimy and I can feed him and take care of him and he is lonesome. There are no other snakes around. I think he’s all alone. All of the others snakes must have migrated for the winter. Can I keep him Dad; can I?”

“Snakes migrate?”

“Sure they do. Everyone knows that.”

“Listen Bobby, he is a wild animal. We need to respect nature and leave everything as we found it. Now toss him over in that trash can and come help me get this tent into the car.”

“Aw Dad.”

“Not another word. Now lift your side and I’ll back in and….Hey! What the hell is this?”

“What is it dear?”

“You have got to be kidding me. All of you kids…front and center, on the double.”

“What is it Dad? I have to finish doing my nails. This camping is so primitive! I swear I woke up last night with a pine cone stuck in my hair.”

“Okay you little monsters…who put the beaver under the back seat?”

“Dad, I am going to need him for my science class. Last year, my teacher said that seventh grade science will include the study of wild animals. I don’t want to be the only one in class without a beaver.”

“Jackson, not everyone is going to have a beaver. I think a mouse or a frog will do just fine. Now please tell me how I’m supposed to get this thing out of the car.”

“He likes marshmallows. I’ve been feeding them to him for the last week.”

“Well that explains the white sticky-looking stuff all over his face….wait a minute! We’ve had a beaver living in our car for a week?”

“He hasn’t been in the car the whole time. I put him on a leash and walk him after dark. He is really smart. I even taught him to sit.”

“You taught a beaver to sit?”

“I think so. It’s actually kind of hard to see if he is really sitting or not. He may just be squatting.”

“Heh, heh…you said squatting.”

“Shut up Bobby. Listen Dad, I think it may be against the law to let a trained beaver back into the wilds. He’s what you call domesticated.”

“Hmmm, you may be right about that. Okay, the beaver stays, but no snakes!”

“Aw Dad.”

“Honey, bring the kids over. Lunch is ready. We can finish packing after we all have a bite to eat.”

“Alright everyone, over to the picnic table.”

“Pass the Kool-Aid please Bobby.”

“Dad, listen, I can explain.”

“Explain? Explain what? Hey! What the hell is a trout doing in the Kool-Aid pitcher?”

“Please Dad. His name is Floppy and I can feed him and take care of him and he is all alone. His parents must have migrated.”

Miscellaneous Observations

I don't get soccer.  The blown call against the United States confuses me.  I understand mistakes.  They make them all the time in Major League Baseball.  A rerun will show that a guy was safe when he was actually out.  That's just the way the game is played.  But this soccer call was different. It's like a baseball player hits a home run and the umpire calls "Strike Three!"  Maybe the rule is that the goal counts unless the referee has money on the other team.

I have been waiting for Barbara "Band-Wagon" Boxer to make an appearance on the Gulf.  She has made a career out of a simple 2-step process.  Step 1: Wait for something bad to happen. Step 2: If it appears to be popular to speak out against such an event - do so.  Here is her basic script, regardless of the situation: "I am going to get to the bottom of this.  This is a wake-up call."  Sorry Barbara, your sun has set.

I am not a fan of Carly Fiorina or Meg Whitman.  Not because they are women (although I think Meg may secretly be a man) or because they are Republicans .  There is just something about them that I don't trust.  However, they may be the best people for the job.  I am a big fan of business people entering politics.  They know how to get things done.  Carly took a lot of big risks as the head of HP but she got stuff done.  This is a departure from your standard politician who has his or her own 2-step process.  Step 1: Get elected by promising whatever people want to hear.  Step 2: Don't fuck up.  This means they hold onto their jobs by not taking risks - also known as "not getting things done."

BP screwed up.  Now let's move on.  I have not heard them say "unfair" or "no" to anything since this has happened.  They are pouring money into trying to make things better without complaint (aside from the famous "I want my life back" comment).

So, why are we still beating up on them long after the point has been made?

I'm glad I asked.

BP screwed up because we let them screw up.  It's that simple.  Every industry out there has rules to follow; rules they would rather ignore but can't.  The off shore oil thing was different.  There were no rules so they were free to take risks.  Let's face it, BP is not evil, they just made a bad bet.  They put it all on red and spun the wheel.  When it came up black, they got caught.

We are picking on BP because our government is telling us to pick on them.  So long as we blame someone else, we won't notice that our politicians allowed this to happen.  They all took money to look the other way.  They all jumped on the Drill Baby Drill bandwagon.  They all failed to act until it was too late.

Yes, BP screwed up.  They are paying up without a word of complaint.  But, if God spoke up and said "Let he amongst you who is without blame cast the first stone," it would get quiet awfully fast.

I hear the new Toy Story movie is the best one yet.

The Big Lebowski is one of the most overlooked movies of all time.

Robin Hood Sucked.  Russel Crowe, another whose sun has set.

Jim

Pardon my accent

I am currently in Biatorbagy, Hungary; my other home.  I have been here for about a week.  I thought I would talk a little bit about the differences between here and there (there being my home in California).

The first thing you notice right away is that nearly everyone speaks Hungarian.  This is an impossible language and I sometimes think they are just making up words as they go along.  For example, the word(s) for "to sightsee is nevezetessegeket megteleni. I can spell it but I can't say it without hurting myself. The same word in Spanish is probably something like El sightsee-o.  Spanish is easy.

The food here is great.  Lots of soups, salads and stews.  Most everything has paprika on it.  Paprika is to Hungary what tortillas are to Mexico.  Here is a picture of a breakfast I had at a place I spent the night at near Lake Balaton.

I typically spend my days working out of my home office while my wife is at work.  This time, I didn't bring any work so I am writing.

There are a lot of things to do around here.  Movies hit Budapest about the same time they open in the States.  I walk the dog through the village for about an hour every day.  If you like old things, you only need to go a few blocks to find something older than the United States.  The nearest castle is probably about 5 miles away.

Shopping here is just like any other modern country.  They have huge malls and neighborhood markets and everything in between.

I get all of my news from Europe CNN since it is the only English speaking channel.  Here, the news is about BP and the World Cup.  California's women politicians have been mentioned.  Every now and then they accidentally play a highlight from a baseball game.  About 90% of the news is about this guy that killed a girl in his hotel in Peru.   Obama is always on when he has something to say.  The world loves Obama.  He has completely turned around how the rest of the world views us.

I had to go online to see how the voting went.  I was glad to see the proposition allowing PG&E to run the state was defeated.  PG&E spent 46 million on this proposition saying they "did it to protect our taxes."

I am heading home on Monday.  Off to Ohio on Wednesday for a couple of days.  The next week I am in Grand Rapids.

Traveling Blues

I travel all the time; probably 150,000 miles a year or so.  I have learned to be tolerant - up to a point.

I understand that flights are late or overbooked.  I understand summer vacation is here and airports are crowded.  but there are some things I just don't get.

When I booked my ticket on United to Budapest, I was told that the 10-hour leg was on Lufthansa and therefore, they could not give me a seat.  This is important because the longer you wait, the more likely it is that you get a middle row seat.  I call Lufthansa and they tell me that since United booked it, United must give me the seats.  So, I go back and forth.

In the end, Lufthansa says they cannot release a seat to me until I get to the airport.  I am not overly worried because at the time of booking, the plane was basically empty.  I get to the airport, 6 hours before my second leg, the Lufthansa leg, and find that I have been given a middle seat.  No one could be earlier than me and yet they all got assigned seats.  I made it to Los Angeles (more on that in a minute) and at the Lufthansa counter, I tried to get a better seat.  No luck.  When I asked if there was a secret handshake or something that I was doing wrong, she got mad.  I just walked away; their job is hard enough without me making it worse.

So, I am at LAX.  This place reminds me of bus depot in a third world country.  It is filthy and completely disorganized.  Every time I come through here I marvel that this is the best Los Angeles can do.  Right now its about 80 outside and 90 inside.

So I make it to the TSA donut lounge, also known as airport security.  There are about five squads of blue shirts talking about yesterday's ball game and two people working a line that stretches to Baltimore.  I finally got through and looked up the TSA agent in charge.  I told him that if he worked for me, I would fire him on the spot.  He looked at me with the same expression as a cow watching a car drive by.

I told my business partner that we could eliminate all screening if, when a terrorists tries to take over a plane, handguns fall from the overhead compartment.  My business partner responded with, "That or bottles of shampoo."  The sad part is that this is true.  TSA places the same threat on a 4 oz bottle of shampoo as they do on a bazooka.

Okay, so I am complaining a bit.  I had to dump it somewhere.

Off to my next flight.

j

The Good with the Bad

I have this daily to-do list that I maintain.  It helps me to keep track of how often I do things.  This blog is on the list.  I have several blogs.  On my list, this one is titled "Rant Blog."  The title comes from the fact that I often use this blog to vent.

Today, I am going to try something different.  I am going to complain, and then say something nice about what I just complained about.  I want to (1) see if I can do that and (2) see if saying something nice actually changes my perspective.

Here we go...

The Bad: British Petroleum screwed up big-time with this oil spill.  They took short cuts in anticipation of profits.  They lied about the scope of the incident and they seem to be handling this with the same dexterity of a baby bear cub fondling his new-found penis while wearing boxing gloves.  (I heard that somewhere years ago and have been looking for a chance to use it ever since.)

The Good: BP has 96,200 employees.  My guess is that a handful are responsible for this incident.  All of the others are hard working people trying to do a good job while providing for their families. 

The Bad: Is it just me or had anyone else noticed that government jobs are often filled by people that cannot succeed in the private sector.  I look at people like the director of Homeland Security and think, "Really?  Is she the best we can do?"  Government agencies tend to be bloated, highly bureaucratic, slow to change and lack accountability.  I have been dealing a lot with immigration lately.  They do not use fax machines, telephones or email.  The only way to communicate with them is via snail mail.
The Good:  There are a lot of highly skilled people that occasionally rise to the top.  When they do, they really make a difference.  I realize that a lot of this has to do with pay.  Why would a super talented person work for the government when he/she can make millions in the private sector? 

The Bad: Our school systems are so poorly managed that they can't find a way to reach out and grab the lifeline that technology is dangling in front of them.  Replace text books with electronic readers and save a few billion the first year.
The Good:  We have teachers that spend 80 hours a week, 10 months out of the year doing the best with what they are given.  In California, the student to teacher ratio is so poor that if an English teacher assigns everyone a paragraph to write, she has 250 paragraphs to grade over the weekend.  If you see a teacher or a soldier - be sure to tell them "thanks."


The Bad: It sure has been raining a lot here in northern California.
The Good: When the sun comes out, its beautiful.

So, for every Ying there is a Yang.  Without the darkness, would we ever appreciate the light?  The best feeling in the world is when an ice cream headache goes away.  That is when I remember to appreciate not having a headache.

j