FAQs for Our Department of Homeland Defence

I have decided that the Department of Homeland Defense needs some guidance.  As a superhero, it's my job to help out with anything that has to do with Truth, Justice and Wasteful Government Spending.

So, Here we go...

Question #1:  What exactly is Condition Orange?
Answer #1: This is what we in the espionage business refer to as Security Elevator Music.  You know its there, and it feels comforting, but you know deep down that it has no value.

Question #2: I'm a TSA agent.  What is that big metal box over there?
Answer #2: That is an X-ray machine.  It gives you something to do between sandwiches.

Question #3: A guy just tried to get a banana through security. What should I do?
Answer #3: Re-screen the banana and then check for a triggering device, usually located in another piece of fruit.

Question #4: There is a baby with no identification.  Can I run him through the X-ray machine?
Answer #4:  Yes.  This device is never really turned on anyway.

Question #5:  I've been a TSA agent for a few months now.  I have to admit, much of what we do is so stupid I feel embarrassed.
Answer #5: You're fired.

Question #6: Two guys are in line, one has two 3-oz bottles of shampoo while the other has a single 6-oz bottle of shampoo.  What do I do?
Answer #6: Let the first guy through.  Shoot the second; he is clearly a terrorist.

Question #7:  How many donuts can I have per day?
Answer #7:  Two bites between pat-downs. So it really comes down to how big a bite you can take.

Question #8:  I work for immigration.  Who should I grant citizenship to?
Answer #8:  If he vacations in the Pakistani outback, grant the citizenship.  If she is Hungarian with several advanced degrees and is married to an American citizen, look out, she may  be a terrorist trying to take our valuable jobs in the strawberry fields of Bakersfield.

Question #9: Immigration again.  How can we stop people from crossing the border?
Answer #9:  You can't.  However, you can support the thriving American Fence Building Association by putting up structures that the Mexicans can lean their ladders against.

Question #10:  How many terrorist attacks have actually been prevented by the hundreds of billions spent on the Department of Homeland Security.
Answer #10:  No one knows for sure.  That's the beauty of it all.  However, we estimate that between Zero and Five Thousand terrorist attacks have been thwarted.  No, let's make that between Zero and a Billion attacks.

Question #11:  How many schools could have been built is we diverted the funds for Homeland Security to the Department of Education.
Answer #11:  All of them.

I hope they find this helpful.

Well, that was fun but I have a world to save and a plane to catch.

Up, up and away...

Jim